I Lied

I never wanted to leave. A year or so, before the big fight happened, I was so convinced to continue and bring myself closer to my dream, God's dream for me. Exactly. You heard me right. It is God's dream for me. I felt it and even lived with it. It was a moment that I wished I could hold on forever. I wanted to cease that moment but it just passed in a single blink. But, it did happen. I am sure of that.

It eventually turned to be a home to my soul. Time and time again, I would try to go back to that place as if my entire world revolve and caught in that time endlessly. I wish my whole life was all that. I couldn't, however. Today is a lot different and all I can do is remember that encounter of hopeless eternity. It could not be forever. But that would suffice for me to reach that end. I would always cherish the moment passed.

The fight. Then I lied. I moved to a very different world hoping to escape and the only way to do it was to make a lie. It's like during the teenage years when I'd ask permission to do something and fear decline, so I would lie. And that's what I exactly did.

I never wanted to go. How will I ever change my mind in a snap when all those times I was filled with total enthusiasm and life thinking of the next episode. But, I lied. I could not resist the evil prowling deep inside me. I felt that was the only resort I could hold.

And so I went out telling people in a liar's tone that I want to see the world and so I'd go. Not exactly that. I wanted to punish myself for a mistake that was revealed to a portion of the globe. I am a dying coward, a creepy monster on the way out of what's meant to be my home.

So, I'm out and lost but I can't settle just on that. I need to do something better now than wallow in shame and guilt. I've got to stand up. Wipe my tears. Head up and proud to be on post again.

Life will lead me back home. God meets me here and there.

"The Journey Is the Reward"

What's the easiest way out? I feel tightly tied to something unforeseen. It was all a trial at first but now, it seems that things are getting me suffocated and I seek air from outside. If I could only see the blueprint of the entirety, it will surely not be like this. However, life seems to be really this unfair and unpredictable. Once your there, the only option you have is to be there and slowly find the easy way out. Unfortunately, there is no easy way out. It's certainly like a traffic of thoughts and consequences that go along with the previous choice. There is no going U-turn. It's all a journey. But even if there is such a turn, even that is owned by the journey itself. At the end, "the journey is the reward".

I Am Truly Leaving Now

I could not think much of things that I need to do these days. I feel paralyzed although I know that the homecoming celebration to which I am partly responsible is fast approaching. This may be an opportunity for me to really think and discern on the real reason why I decided to take a leave from the seminary. A lot of people ask me why I continue to stay in the seminary when in fact I have decided to take a year of regency. Indeed, this is an extraordinary arrangement when normally, regents really leave the comfort of the seminary and try life "outside". Well, I am here for a valid reason and rational, in fact. Nevertheless, after the celebration what's next? It's time to decide. If anyone just try to read this blog, then they'll know my decision hidden from many. I am truly leaving the corners of the seminary this time and live life out there. I hope, always hope, that this is also the will of God for me.

The Pathway or the Darkness?

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I Wish You Died Just Before May 2010 Election

How I wish the death of President Cory Aquino could be so fresh just before the 2010 election. I can genuinely feel the spirit of democracy that hovers the Philippines these days of mourning over Tita Cory. Her death is paradoxically a rebirth of the freedom and democracy that Filipinos once experienced in 1986. I can truly sense freedom now. Even if I do not go out into the streets, seeing and hearing the media is more than enough for me to be convinced that each Filipino has that utter hope in a new Philippines. How I wish we could retain this spirit up until the nearing election. It is true that feelings are neither right nor wrong but I think sometimes there can be an exception to that belief. At the height of emotions that we Filipinos feel right now, there in the deepest recesses of our conscience, we want to, once and for all, choose the best leader we want to have in the next years. It can be true to take part of our feelings when we decide. May this passing away of Tita Cory, the icon of Philippine democracy, make a difference in our "bruised country."