I Lied

I never wanted to leave. A year or so, before the big fight happened, I was so convinced to continue and bring myself closer to my dream, God's dream for me. Exactly. You heard me right. It is God's dream for me. I felt it and even lived with it. It was a moment that I wished I could hold on forever. I wanted to cease that moment but it just passed in a single blink. But, it did happen. I am sure of that.

It eventually turned to be a home to my soul. Time and time again, I would try to go back to that place as if my entire world revolve and caught in that time endlessly. I wish my whole life was all that. I couldn't, however. Today is a lot different and all I can do is remember that encounter of hopeless eternity. It could not be forever. But that would suffice for me to reach that end. I would always cherish the moment passed.

The fight. Then I lied. I moved to a very different world hoping to escape and the only way to do it was to make a lie. It's like during the teenage years when I'd ask permission to do something and fear decline, so I would lie. And that's what I exactly did.

I never wanted to go. How will I ever change my mind in a snap when all those times I was filled with total enthusiasm and life thinking of the next episode. But, I lied. I could not resist the evil prowling deep inside me. I felt that was the only resort I could hold.

And so I went out telling people in a liar's tone that I want to see the world and so I'd go. Not exactly that. I wanted to punish myself for a mistake that was revealed to a portion of the globe. I am a dying coward, a creepy monster on the way out of what's meant to be my home.

So, I'm out and lost but I can't settle just on that. I need to do something better now than wallow in shame and guilt. I've got to stand up. Wipe my tears. Head up and proud to be on post again.

Life will lead me back home. God meets me here and there.